Despite a lot of soul searching in the car yesterday, I am still feeling very overwhelmed by not knowing where to focus. I don’t feel qualified to get a job in SEO or working on others’ websites because I can’t even figure out my own sites after having been working in online businesses for 15+ years.
It’s sort of embarrassing.
I know a lot but don’t know all this new stuff. And I don’t have it in me to learn all this new stuff. And then report to a boss who expects me to know all this stuff.
Tired from Creating
I’m also exhausted from trying to create and “invent” new things in the way of content, videos, photos, social media posts, interesting responses to online comments, etc. Maybe if I could be someone who does backend work, like finding keywords other people’s websites can rank for or if I can analyze data about their competitors, or something.
As much as I love the idea of Youtubing something (more than writing; I know it’s work but it is so authentic and to me easier than writing everything out), I am sort of private and don’t want to deal with negative online comments, etc.
But the thought of writing content or producing emails and social media posts, and who knows what else is exhausting to me. If I get a job and walk away from everything, I will know I will always regret it. Could I have made the sites better? Also, what job do I get? As much as I would love to get a job that I could go in and do and then come home and forget it, I need to earn more income and build a career.
More tomorrow while I flush out my options. I really don’t know if I should be working on these websites or not. I need to get ready to go to games today. Hoping car rides go okay.
Day of Disappointment
I’m coming back here at 6:17pm to journal because of a very upsetting afternoon. Our son had three games today for his two teams. In the first game, husband was yelling off and on at the refs.
This a problem for several reasons:
- All-around inappropriate
- Embarrassing
- Showing his true colors
- Our son was telling, “Dad! Dad!” I’m not sure if he also said, “Dad, stop!” For sure, I heard two “dad” calls.
- Refs are doing their best
- Ref shortage
- We already had issues in this gym with a player of ours from last season
- Our parents were warned last year about inappropriate behavior
Sometimes these things happen so fast but this one actually went on for a bit which made it even more embarrassing. I’m so sad for our son. Our parents were yelling at him to stop. The coaches (both of them) were telling him to stop. A mom got up and went over to him. I’m praying he didn’t yell something at her as this was right before the ref kicked him out.
This yelling, as embarrassing as it was to be so public and also on video for my son’s team, is nothing new. (I wished I kept my video going; I was videoing the game.) I’m sadly happy to report my son went on to play really well. This is likely because he is unfazed by outbursts.
So embarrassing. It also hurts our son. Good players are a dime a dozen. Next! No one needs a problem parent attached to a kid.
Also, it’s like husband is clueless. He came back in after game was over and started talking to some parents. I also saw him out talking with our son. Later, after the second game, we had a few hours to burn, and he was lingering around talking to the head coach. How mortifiying.
It’s almost like he checks out / blanks out and doesn’t realize what has happened.
The first game was at 12pm; the second at 1pm. We were on way to a 4:20pm game elsewhere.
Then in the car, even though we used almost an hour and a half before leaving to go to the next game, he was yelling. He went off on our son and on me. I don’t know what I could have said — I had been ignoring him thus far — but it would have been the bare minimum BECAUSE OUR SON WAS IN THE CAR.
He said verbatim (I typed it in my phone): “Mom just can’t keep her fx2k’n mouth shut.” This was a 3:33pm.
Horrified, I said nothing to this but to make myself feel better, I at least typed it in my phone to feel like I was doing something.
Silence until 3:35pm when he more quietly said: “God… such toxic b*($ s*#@. I want a divorce. Pack shit up.”
I WANTED TO SCREAM: PLEASE LEAVE ALREADY.
Something husband does is use me as his verbal punching bag. He is stressed or upset and takes it out on me.
Okay, I’m done now. Back home. I offered and gave him some salad I made earlier, and he seemed to appreciate it. I won’t be saying anything else for the rest of the day.