When I daydreamed (fantasized?) about my week home alone, with no interruptions in my day, I wanted silence and nothingness. I wish I could give myself a day of that. Maybe there is still time. It’s Thursday, and my husband and son come home Saturday evening.
I set so many goals to accomplish things. Now I’m really wishing I took one day in the beginning, maybe that Monday. I could have had my TikTok video already filmed and scheduled. There wasn’t anything else pressing.
In a dream world, I’d have three days to do nothing. And by nothing, I also mean unplugging from all the devices. But even if I still used my phone, it would be glorious.
I just want some peace. This is the same thing I’ve been wanting since I was in my 20s. I still have not achieved it. I want a calm mind.
So maybe I will carve out even a few hours today or tomorrow. I envisioned myself reading and just sitting and thinking with my coffee. I forgot about it until right now.
Quiet time
My life consists of me always putting so much pressure on myself to achieve. I’m in a constant state of anxiety. Relaxing is not something I’m good at.
Instead, I was thinking how much I could get done this week because no one would be home. Somehow I thought I would get a ton done and also be “evolved” and at peace in having time to figure out a plan with my life/work.
What I think I need is silence to quiet my brain. There is still time.
What do I really have to do?
I have to post daily on TikTok. I have to engage with probably 15 – 20 people. This takes at least 40 minutes a day because I need to also make the videos. I’ll have to do them quickly or it will easily be over an hour.
In two hours, I can probably make six videos and edit them. Then all I’ll have to do is post them and engage for 20 minutes throughout the day. Done!
In addition, I’m committing to writing on here. Because I’m just writing and not writing for the web (SEO), I can be done in probably 30 minutes.
My only other things are to order a few things online; to clear out the pantry that I keep avoiding; and to go to the healthier grocery store. All of this really would take me maybe 5 – 6 hours. So I should just do it, and get it over with, and have the rest of the time.
Even home alone I create pressure
I wish I could be more like my husband. This will sound bad but he looks for ways to do as little as possible. I look for ways to do as much as possible. This is one of the reasons I’m so annoyed with him all the time.
As I’m trying to squeeze in every last minute to accomplish something (cleaning, cooking, working online in some capacity, doing something else for our family) he has no problem sitting there watching his news shows and doing a whole bunch of other things that he wants to do.
Never have I ever sat in the morning or middle of the day to read a book or watch something on Amazon Prime or Hulu. When I tried to log onto Netflix last year on some random day, I couldn’t get in. I asked my husband for the password. He said, “We haven’t had Netflix for 8 months. We have Hulu now.”
Ahhh okay. So I haven’t watched anything in a really long time. It was probably longer than 8 months that I had watched something.
I need to get better at carving out more time for myself in relaxing ways. While I walk, that’s still something I’m doing to achieve. It’s not relaxing.
Homestretch goals
Okay, filming a bunch of TikTok videos today for all these free samples that are due. Then I will edit them. Then I will order the stuff I need to order. At some point I will clean the pantry. After that, I will rest and deal with the grocery store on Friday.
If you want to follow along with the rest of my days this week, be sure to check out day 23, day 24, and day 25.