mama bird sitting on her eggs

Feeling Jealous of a Bird ~ Day 2

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What I did since the last writing to progress forward:

  • Tried to be positive last night
  • Didn’t bring out my laptop last night; was fully present with family
  • Woke up extra early to have time and not rush
  • Packed up last night for an easier departure this morning
  • Ate something for breakfast; packed healthy food

Weight: 148.4 lbs

I haven’t been in the 140s in several years. For now, my goal is to stay at 150 or below for a week or so. I plan to work out today and hope I can fit it in.

I’m Feeling Jealous of a Bird

I have found myself being increasingly jealous of a bird that has nested on our patio rafters. She sits atop her eggs, resting, protecting them. When I think back to both of my pregnancies, I feel so sad that I never rested and took care of myself or the babies growing inside me.

I was go go go. With Son 1, I was crazy busy with growing and maintaining our business. I never stopped; there was so much to do. My husband did what he did and that was it.

I was also very very stressed and I’m embarrassed to say but scared of my husband’s ex-wife as she was unstable. We were going through lots of legal issues with her and around Son 2 were in a custody battle with her. Also with Son 2, my father was battling Stage 4 cancer. We lost him when my son was just over a year old. I was also still not sleeping.

Father Bird Caring for Mama Bird

I am jealous of this bird because her and father bird seemed to build their nest together (I saw two birds coming and going… I think they were a pair?) and then once it was built, I only have seen lovely mama bird sitting there every day, protecting her eggs. Responsible father bird is off doing what needs to be done and let’s her rest.

I never had that with my pregnancies, nor when I came home from the hospital, and not reliably along the way.

Despite coming into the marriage WITH A LOT of money, no debt, excellent credit, etc., I still haven’t rested even decades later.

Biggest issue: My husband has not and does not value anything I have done or currently do.

I know so many women who met their now-husbands and either never worked, quit working, or quit working when they were pregnant or had kids.

Many of these women still do not work… do not and have not ever earned any income… and my husband doesn’t understand this.

Lots of My Marriage Problems Started When We Had Kids

Many of my marriage issues began when we had kids. I wasn’t supported after giving birth, and I struggled greatly. My first night of insomnia started the evening before Son One was born when I was admitted into the hospital to be induced.

I became so sleep deprived and had such a difficult time nursing.

I could not ever fall asleep. I was a mess and was almost obsessed with our son and figuring out how to be a new mother.

Working Too Soon After Delivering

During this time, I was also working at our business. I started working from home 4 days after giving birth, and after 6 days, went back to the location.

The killer for me was that my husband hired his mother to watch our son, even though he didn’t have a set job with hours or anything.

For our business, he did some behind-the-scenes stuff: handled some paperwork, ran credit cards, banking, paid bills, did payroll, gave receipts to bookkeeper, gave documents to tax preparer; and did Costco runs for our business but I handled everything else.

I was the face of the very successful business with multiple locations and did so much there and from home, it makes my head spin to think of it.

Hiring His Mother as Babysitter So His Life Could Carry On as Usual

Back to him hiring his mother… sigh… We paid her $100 a week for her time. I don’t remember how many days I week she came but I felt like we were drastically underpaying her. So I’d venture a guess she was coming nearly every weekday.

After a few weeks or less, I don’t remember, she started bringing her young granddaughter with her (our niece). This made sense as she was practically the only caregiver for her. My niece was 3 years old, and I’m sad to say, a bit conniving. (I don’t fault her; she had a tough upbringing. I fault the adults.)

So vividly, I can still remember pulling out of my driveway going to work, and she stuck her tongue out at me. I was crying as I drove down our street. As if I already didn’t trust her around the baby. I was mad at my husband for not being able to “watch” our own child.

I again told my husband my concerns. Eventually, Grandma stopped bringing her and in time we sold the business because I thought we had topped out with our potential (too bad we didn’t sell it a year earlier and I could have saved myself the stress and made more in the sale than I did when we sold.)

But for at least 10 months with our newborn, I was focused on work. I didn’t lay around with Son 1 or Son 2 for that matter. I didn’t rest and take care of myself. But my husband rested and did what he wanted (weight loss classes; taking flying lessons; his life continuing carefree as usual).

During all of this, I was still trying to nurse, though unsuccessfully. I was sleep deprived (and have been for 17ish years).

Paying Out of Pocket for Delivering a Baby

Another issue was that we didn’t have maternity insurance or whatever it’s called so when I was in the hospital, I was utterly stressed out about how much it was going to cost. So much so that I actually left earlier than I should have, being in the hospital less than 40 hours.

My husband left me in the hospital and went off to his weight loss class and to take flying lessons. I was unable to sleep in the hospital. I was unable to sleep at home. Alone, I handled the nights. Of course, attempting to nurse, there was nothing he could do.

A few days after leaving the hospital, or maybe the next day, I don’t remember, but our son was jaundiced and underweight. We had to supplement with formula which likely then further reduced the milk. It was a nightmare.

I so vividly remember one morning being so tired and he got up to leave to go to his daughter’s sport’s game. She was with her mom that weekend. It was the only time I BEGGED HIM to please stay home to care for Son 1 so I could please sleep.

I’m getting really upset, so I have to stop writing. Things didn’t get better when Son 2 was born. I’ll discuss another time. Same story: I didn’t feel supported when I desperately needed my husband.

Dear Husband… If You Are Reading

I’m scared of my hubby finding this and reading it. Actually, I welcome him reading it. I don’t want him to delete it or this blog.

I’m hoping to help my mental state to be a better person at home and for our family. In time, I’d be so grateful if I could ever turn this website into a part time income for our family. Please Husband, let’s talk before deleting or taking drastic action. I’m not talking to you yet because I know I need to figure myself out first.

Everyone Else… Thank You for Reading

I’d love to know how you found this post. What were you looking for? Please comment below if you are inclined.

I appreciate everyone who is reading my daily posts. If you are inclined, please read the one from yesterday (Day One below), and subscribe to get notifications each day. Thanks, and I hope you are having a great day!

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