What I did today to progress forward:
- Planned out my day
- Ate a healthy breakfast (standing and doing tasks, but still a win for me)
- Cleaned kitchen a bit; swept and vacuumed main home area
- Went to health club; haven’t been in months (haven’t been regularly since last May)
- Packed healthy snacks for work
- Wrote this
Weight: 149.4 lbs
I imagine like most women, I feel better when I’m fitter and can fit in my clothes. I should be 128 – 130-ish for my height. In the last year, I’ve gotten up to 163 pounds, my highest ever except for pregnancy. All of my life, I’ve never had a weight problem nor problem losing weight when I tried. Until now…
It’s April 17th. I’m so upset after last night that I woke up today deciding to journal what’s happening in my (crap) marriage, home, and mind to help figure out my next steps.
Rather journaling on paper where this will never add up to anything, I decided to put it on a blog that I started years ago with some friends that we abandoned. Each day, I’m going to write what I did to progress forward. Setting a goal to post uncensored every day, no matter how small, is what I need right now.
I’m using the fake name of Claudia Clove to write this so I can write freely. My real name isn’t anywhere on this site or online.
My goal is to write everyday to talk about the progression my life is taking. I cannot continue on with the way things are going right now (mentally or financially). It’s time for big changes.
What Prompted This
I’ll be writing a ton more about what’s going on in later posts. For now, this is what is happening:
Yesterday afternoon, I came back from a week-long trip. I was lucky to take it and know it was a luxury financially and also a luxury to skip out on my family, work, and responsibilities. It was a sacrifice but also something I wanted to do for my heart and soul.
I went to see my niece at college. She’s a senior who started freshman year during COVID. I’d never been to her school before. My mom, sister and I road-tripped. I cannot think of the last time I went to visit my mom and sister on my own.
As excited as I was to go, this meant I left my husband and teens to figure out food. My boys drive themselves to school and activities so as long as they set their morning alarms, they would be self-sufficient that way. I was gone from a Wednesday to a Tuesday.
Doing Everything Before I Left
As most moms will understand, I busted butt the days leading up to my departure trying to clean, get food ready, and finish up odds and ends so it would get them through a few days.
I was up past midnight the night before my 6:15am flight finishing up and even forgot to pack my AirPods. This became sort of a symbol to me. All the things I did for others but neglected myself.
My trip was great. It was a real getaway mentally.
My Return Home
When I arrived at the airport yesterday early afternoon– my kind husband was there waiting to pick me up. The second I got home, I saw the pan on the stove that was covered in grease, left for me to deal with.
I tried to breathe through it and rushed to prep food for my younger son for his return home from school, and then rushed off to pick up treats for my older son’s senior sport night. Celebrating the high school seniors was really fun. I love the moms — everyone really came together to make it special — and the young adults all seem really awesome.
When I got home after the event, I immediately started on dinner. As my husband was relaxing leisurely on the couch, I kept thinking: I’m grateful he went to the store to pick up ground beef but why am I the one making it? I should be unpacking and doing laundry and settling back in.
Couldn’t he have had all of this figured out?
Instead, as I started making several pounds of ground beef on the stovetop to have enough to feed both boys, he walked to the bedroom and returned with his hamper and proceeded to do his laundry! Hello, could you have done it any other time I was gone?
Or maybe started on dinner?
I think what’s shocking to me is that I would even entertain this idea.
However, he is low maintenance on food himself. He doesn’t expect me to cook for him though I sometimes do. But truly, I have a hard enough time feeding my kids that I eat whatever is easiest. I won’t eat the ground beef because that’s something my kids will eat. Instead, I’ll grab cheese and an apple, etc…. something I don’t have to prep.
I HATE COOKING.
They Do Laundry
Yes, I know, many would consider my husband doing his own laundry a huge deal. And maybe it is. And maybe getting everyone in my household to be in charge of their own laundry is a major accomplishment.
This is perhaps the one thing I did right in my household. My kids and husband have been doing their own laundry for 7½ years. There are many reasons for why this started which I’ll discuss another time.
My husband also washes his own towels. I wash my kids’ towels, sheets, and a few specialty things (dress clothes and sometimes their sports’ uniforms).
Food Issues in My House
Despite my efforts, I’ve done horribly with food. We don’t sit down as a family. We worked through allergies in younger years but I can’t blame our “now” on that. I have picky eaters because of how I handled things.
I was always a mom who when it was time to eat, started thinking about what to make. So when they were young, it was often a handful of this or that. We would go out on outings often, and instead of packing “food,” I was always packing snacks. I tried to do Goldfish and pretzels, “healthier” but never focused that much on fruit, raw veggies, etc.
I so vividly remember one of my friends talking to me about what she was making for dinner whenever we got together. Rudely, I remember being annoyed by it. I didn’t want to waste our time talking about food. I sure wish I did talk with her though… I could have learned a lot of ideas and my kids would have been healthier.
Through the years, I’ve gotten way better. My Son 2 is a very healthy eater but is limited in what he eats. (He doesn’t eat beans/lentils, gluten, or grains at home. He doesn’t like soups, chili, etc. Basically, he eats meat, fish, eggs, any fruit, and raw veggies.)
Why Is All This Fruit Still Here?
So, being worried (OBSESSED) about food and what my boys were eating before I left and also when I was on the trip, I was stunned to see that so much fruit I bought before I left STILL IN THE FRIDGE. How was this possible?
Sorry if this is pointless to recount, but I was stunned. There was:
- One cantaloupe
- ½ honeydew plus one whole honeydew
- Two partial containers of strawberries; one container of rotten strawberries
- Three 3 overripe pears on the counter
- One papaya
What did Son 2 eat? He may have eaten a few kiwi, avocados, and oranges. Though I’m not sure. Usually, he would have eaten this in 2 – 3 days.
I will be writing more about food in other posts as it’s sort of a mental load that I need to figure out.
Yes, I Should Feel Grateful
I realize it’s a luxury to have a home and money for groceries and money for a round trip flight to visit family. If I didn’t already have deep issues with my husband, none of this would have been a big deal.
But seeing him on that couch really made me mad. Somehow if he were in another room, (we have a spare room he can work or lounge in) then he could be out of sight and it would be less aggravating to me.
Why don’t moms ever get to sit down and rest? Weeks will go by without me even sitting for one second on my couch. I haven’t sat down to watch a show (Hulu, Amazon, etc.) for months. It’s 2024, and I still haven’t finished the last season of This Is Us!
My Time
After finishing up cooking the meat for over an hour — and unpacking and doing other things to prep for today in the meantime; I don’t just stand by the stove — I retreated to our bedroom. It was 9:00pm or so and after getting ready for bed, I read for a few minutes and was going to bed because I was so tired after being messed up with time zones.
Just then, my husband came into the room. I asked if he would see if our younger son, who was still out at practice, needed food or anything. “No”, he said.
So I opened my book and waited for my son to get home. I did want to see him and check in with him but I was so very tired. However, as anyone with a large husband sharing a California king bed (4 inches less wide than a regular king supposedly), there’s a lot of jockeying for space. I put up a blanket next to me to block out his bright computer where he usually watches who knows what.
My son got home, and then I returned to bed. I read for a few, and then, becoming sleepy once more (my goal), I turned off the light and my husband put on his phone flashlight. He goes to bed super late which keeps me up.
I’m Unable to Sleep With Lights On
I get mad that he stays up late watching God knows what when he could do this in our living room. For the existence of our marriage with kids, I’ve gotten up before him to prep and get our kids ready (to help them dress, etc. when they were little, to drive them to school, and now only breakfast and lunch).
I have to function the next day, and like most adults, can’t just stay up late and sleep in until they feel like it.
Someone had to wake up with the kids, and that someone was me. My husband has never had respect, appreciation or even recognition of it… just like he doesn’t value any of the work I’ve done all these years, working in our family business ages ago and then for the last 17-ish years, working from home on websites. (Lots more on this in future posts.)
I also drove them to school from preschool until got their drivers licenses. Up until last school year, I drove and loved it, and I knew I would miss spending that time with my kids and just seeing what was happening on the school grounds.
But it still took lots of time and being on a schedule. Meaning, I’d have to stop work or whatever I was doing instead of having the entire day to do as I pleased like my husband did and does. He cares for himself and that’s it.
Yes, he pays the bills and handles all of that. That also means he sort of controls the finances. This is something I created and very much regret. He has spent and spends a lot of money on things without me knowing. More on this in a future post.
I Wish It Weren’t True but Working Moms Do More
Timewise — HIS: bills, insurance, cars, paperwork, his own laundry, appliance repairs, water softener, etc. vs MY: everything else — there is no comparison.
Big stereotype here but working moms generally do more than fathers do. They also often carry a lot in their minds worrying about this and that, planning out things, making ongoing lists for behind-the-scenes things that get done. For me, it’s very hard to relax until every single thing is done, and of course, that never happens. So this means that for a few minutes before I hopefully fall asleep, I have time to relax.
Recent exception: Shoutout here to my husband who cleaned a toilet and possibly a sink recently (he is the only one who uses it; it’s attached to the room we use for an office that he uses 95% of the time) when someone was staying in the room for the weekend. This was the first time in our 20+ marriage he ever did this. I was floored and hopefully appropriately grateful.
Back to the Driving Stuff
Last year, my younger son started at a high school that’s 28 minutes away. I was using 10 hours a week just driving him there and back. I don’t think my husband comprehended this. The other years I used over an hour a day (when they were at different schools — elementary vs junior high or junior high vs high school) because of how early I had to leave to deal with the lack of parking, traffic, etc.
A few weeks ago when it was a day off from school or a day without activities on a weekend, I said how I was excited I didn’t have to wake up early the next day. Being I work from home for myself (even though my husband doesn’t think I do??!!), he was flabbergasted that I made that comment. “Why do you ever have to wake up?”
OMG
I know I am not unique in this. Again, this was my choice; my kids could have taken the bus. I am bringing it up in the context of my husband having zero clue and zero regard or appreciation for this time I used.
Not Being Valued By My Husband
I do not watch YouTube videos in the middle of the day nor do I take naps. However, I have taken a walk sometimes, probably an average of 1x for every 8 days.
He also doesn’t value any paid work I’ve done for the entire time we’ve been married. He also never gave me any sort of credit or anything for all I came into our relationship and marriage with. And I came with lots financially because of my hard work in my twenties and early thirties.
Does he have any clue how many stay-at-home moms I was/am friends with? They have husbands who PROVIDE for them. Who take care of them. Who appreciate them. I’m sure I sound like I don’t appreciate my husband, and that’s because I don’t.
Going Forward: I Need a Different Mindset
I’m going to stop here. Even though I didn’t get great sleep last night, I woke up and kicked ass. I’m not really sure what is next for me. I have tons to figure out about work and what I want my future to be.
For now, I’m doing going to be doing these things to progress forward:
NEW:
- Trying to do at least one housecleaning thing each day
- Workout 3x a week
- Writing a blog post a day; see my post for Day 2: Feeling Jealous of a Bird
- Starting everything except this blog with: Does this serve me or my family?
KEEPING ON WITH:
- Spending 3+ hours a day on my work
- Keeping up on food like I always do
Dear Husband, If You Are Reading:
Hello, I’m hoping to have progressed with this enough to have been making major changes. Please take your time to read every single thing I’ve written, and then come talk to me before you shut down the blog or delete these posts.
I hope you realize I’m doing this for my own mental state and for a better, less-stressed home life. We only have a few months before our son goes to college. I want him to have good memories of growing up. The yelling and anger can’t continue. We still have two years with our other son.
I want us to be better. Even if we get divorced in a few years, I’ll still be better which will spill into your life too through our kids.
Everyone else: Please comment below with how you found this post… What were you looking for?
Related:
- We are the exhausted moms of summer
- Day 3 Trying to be healthy
Featured image credit for AirPods photo ~ Claudia Clove